Wednesday, January 6, 2010

My Emotional Day

Have you ever bawled hysterically? Like where you cannot stop crying? And your face is all twisted up? And you hope to goodness no one walks in while you are on the bathroom floor with this horrible face? And your mascara is literally painting your cheeks? And your choking on your own snot because you cannot breathe normally while you are bawling? And you keep trying to stop and suck it up, but everytime you take a deep breath and look in the mirror it starts again? And then when you go upstairs finally and manage to start to breathe, your husband looks at you and asks, "Are you having a emotional day?" And it starts all over again? And he holds you in his arms and says how sorry he is and he did not know and how it will all work out and it will happen? And he rubs the same spot on your arm till it goes tingly while you soak his t-shirt with even more tears? And then he asks you 20 minutes later if you feel better and you say, "No..." the same time the waterworks start all over again? And the whole time you are trying to calm down and keep quiet because your parents and little brother are at the dinner table literally four feet away and you do NOT want them asking, "What is the matter?" "Are you okay?" Or telling you "Oh, you are just being crazy/silly/emotional." "It will happen." Even though the whole time you do feel crazy/silly/emotional for letting all of this get so out of hand. And do you probably deep down you know it will happen and everything will work out? But in your head you are thinking it has already been eight months and if it was supposed to happen it would have by now. And you have you somehow convinced yourself that biology does not work for you and obviously you will have to find other means, like E-bay? And while you were at Target buying shaving cream and other items you did not feel like buying ever again and trying not to cry before you got home were staring at a family, justifying stealing, and wondering how long it would take for them to notice? And have you spent the past three days peeing on sticks and looking at names and starting to get excited? And do you think you are a complete idiot for getting your hopes up and you should absolutely know better because obviously you are the one person in the world where something that is supposed to be natural is blatantly un-? And then do the tears start trickling down your cheeks again as you are typing this even though it has now been hours and you are feeling calmer but obviously not as much as you originally thought because here it goes again? And you have a now pounding headache which no amount of aleve will subside? And now again you feel like an idiot for being so crazy/silly/emotional and know all your friends will be unbelievably kind, but you do not want the sympathy? You just felt like venting. And hope that one day you can look back with fondness at this trial in your life?

And did all of this happen because you started your period today?

4 comments:

Neil and Courtney Anne said...

:-( Hugs. That sucks.

Trev & Celina said...

Jenn... I just want to hug you. I know you don't want sympathy and just want to vent so i just want you to know I am available for you to vent to any time. love ya!

AdaMandy said...

I'm sorry. Yeah I have, it's frustrating,draining, and annoying all in one. Hang in there, try not to stress.

Vaughn and Shelby said...

I love you! Always thinking of you guys!