Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Laaate Night

Did you know that in linguistics, technically the term for how I worded that title is representational? You have my... ahem... Avery's Engl 1200 class to thank for that one. Yes, I am the kind of wife that takes entire online classes for her husband. No, I do not do it willingly, nor often. But as he likes to point out, I actually think these sort of things are fascinating and I'm so good at it. No one can ever say that boy does not know how to work me over. A few words and a good kiss, a good one, mind you. Not those little peck things that you give to other members of your family. But the way you only kiss your wife... and I'm buttah.
In case you couldn't tell, I haven't been getting much sleep lately. Strike that. I've been in bed, but not actually accomplishing any REM cycles. Something is up. And it's annoying! I love sleep. Sleep makes everything better. And now with so much free time... hahaha, oh wait not allowed to bust out laughing yet, I thought it would come so much more readily. No more having to drag myself to the office at all early hours. BOO! Which is nice. Instead I just lay there all... night... long. Having strange night/day dreams that just leave me feeling awkward. Like the one where I was apparently back on my mission with all my elders, but they were all married, and I was pregnant because even in my daze her kicking me all night was carrying through, and this kid I dated in high school showed up and started trying to convince me he would be a better father, even though I'm pretty sure the life he has led up until now (real life time) isn't what I would want for my children, and all I really wanted was my Avery, and a riisipirakka. Mmmm.... I miss riisipirakka. They are like this rice pastry thing that you put egg butter on. Egg butter is butter that has chunks of hard boiled egg in it. Sooo good. Hey there's that representational term again.
Linguistics are interesting. It's not just English. I'm all right with English. We've always had a good relationship. Even up until AP English in high school where we had to write these short stories all the time and one of them, I wrote about walking down the halls of high school and feeling good about yourself and my friends found it and made fun of me for a good three years. Or even until my English 2000 class in college where I despised my teacher and spent the entire semester working on one writing assignment, that I chose to do on the evils of modern healthcare. See, I figured out the solution years ago, what are all the politicians doing? And I would come home and call my boy...friend... I'm not sure what we ever were, and complain but he had no sympathy. Probably why we didn't last. My feelings require constant validation. Even if Avery doesn't really care, he knows enough to lie to me, and give a good ol' fashioned, "That sucks, babe."
But linguistics are interesting because it really has nothing to do with English. In fact his/my quiz has examples of Latin, Tagalog, Fijian, Finnish, and German on it. You can imagine I was very pleased to see Finnish. It is after all a very good example of how many cases one can cram into one teeny-tiny language nobody really speaks. But linguistics is more about words. I adore words. Who knows why. It's sort of odd really. But I'm fascinated by how words became what they have, and how they come together to make new words. Like 'jeggings' have you heard this word yet? Seriously, leggings and jeans. Fascinating. Not saying I really want to use it that much, hopefully it'll die soon, like the fashion trend, but still... awesome word. Do you know what the term is for making up new words out of old ones? I do. See why Avery made me take this course.
It's making me feel a bit overwhelmed though. What if I mess up? What if he gets a bad grade? It would be one thing if it were to be on my report card. Mine's full of the freshman year overload disaster known as the retake of Precalculus. The first time I think Avery's been truly embarrassed by me was when he saw my grade from that class. Sad. But perfect 4.0 Avery!?! What if I mess up his chances of graduating next spring? What if he won't be able to get the dream job he's been aiming for going on six years now? *STRESS*
On top of that there really is a lot going on with my job right now. Yes, I still have a job. I'm supposed to be writing and editing about four power points presentations this week, and two quizzes, and a review, and researching local dentists, and reviewing marketing material, and doing deliveries to offices to pimp my course, and a career fair at a high school. *STRESS*
Not sleeping is not helping... at all.
Unfortunately, I can only find so much time to shake off the aftereffects due to no sleep. Then the end of the week ends jam packed with the to-do list that I put off and I have to spend hours staring a computer screen to catch up.
And then I lay awake thinking... How am I supposed to do all this with a baby? What was I thinking? I can't have a baby right now! How on earth are we going to pay for this? How am I going to survive this? Why won't she stop moving?
See right now it's 2:47 AM and I'm slightly panicking. I'm also up late because I started reading this blog after it was mentioned in the article. Have you heard about this article? First I have to tell you how many times I've been laughing out loud in the dark while reading old posts and trying not to wake the puppy because of the author of the blog. A woman after my own heart. Anywho. But the article itself is by a self-proclaimed atheist, childless, 20 something women who adores Mormon Mommy Blogs. And now has brought out all these questions as to why they are so popular, what does it all mean, is it a massive marketing campaign generated by the church and so forth. I felt very deep after reading it and reflecting on it. I also felt very blessed for my life. I am lucky to have it all, so to speak. Even if having it all, is living in your parents basement while your husband finishes his 90th year of school, and you're too poor to even buy a crib, and you really don't know how to sew. Like all the Mormon Mommy Bloggers too. So I guess I'm not part of the in crowd.
But my good friend Hanna and I were commenting on the article. Do you know my friend Hanna? She's probably my bestest friend in the whole world and not just because she's one of the smartest people I know, or the only one who I think I could text about this article I read and she says... oh that, I read that last week. And have something intellectual to add to my already deep thoughts. My thoughts aren't really that deep but when I spend a fair amount time on a subject I can go on for a while. Like this post...
Hanna and me are sort of complete opposites. No, really, for a best friend you wouldn't believe that, but it's true. There was a time when we roomed together, while she was in college and I was working, that I wondered how on earth we became friends. But then we would talk about things on our way to country dancing and I realized she was my soul friend. Not soul mate. Because A) I don't believe in those. B) If I did, it would be my husband.
But we do like to joke that we married each other. My Avery could be Hanna, if he wore a wig and had a pair of vans. Those two think so much alike it's scary, especially when I'm complaining about him and she's on his side! Pshaw. But on the other hand, her man, is a little more the emotional, needy type like myself. That's not to be insulting in any way because her husband is very manly. He owns a woodworking shop. Like a carpenter! Very manly. But his thought processes are probably more similar to my own, than Hanna's or Avery's. So usually I can translate for her what he's thinking.
Also Hanna served a mission with me, not in Finland, but she left at the same time I did, more or less, so our attitudes on religion grew up about the same time. Which was very fun to share with someone.
Anyways that's Hanna and mine relationship. So you'll keep all that in mind as I say that we were commenting on the article and picking out some of our favorite comments "Mormons are nice people, but their religion is some weird cross between Scientology and Budhism." And then started discussing how the author herself seems drawn to the life probably because secretly it's what everyone woman is programmed to be drawn to in a way, no matter how much they fight it. And how we really are lucky to be able to be mothers. Then we started complaining about the various body parts that hurt today, because did I tell you we are literally due like a week apart?
Then I stayed up reading this blog; and identifying with this girl's journey from being unable to conceive to now having a beautiful son and living this life I can only dream of. And I realize I'm living it.
And I'm so very grateful. And no it's not staged. Some of it does suck like being in a tiny apartment, or your parent's basement. Some of it is letting go of your pride or impatience (Thanks, Christine =) )and trusting in the Lord, after doing all the hard work. Most of it really is unglamorous with late nights and lack of sleep. Most of it goes unnoticed or unappreciated. But it's my life, my journey, and for the gifts God has given me, I am able to fulfill a small measure of my creation. I am able to find joy. I weep to think of those who do not have this. Who deny themselves this, because they are too scared to think what it could mean or what they would have to change to attain it. I am angered by those who would seek to destroy it or belittle it somehow from the truly precious find that it is. I hope to pass on this knowledge and peace to my daughter, because Heaven knows how much more she will need it than I. Even now as she's kicking the crap out of me, my panic comes not from how will I survive, but how will she. I hope she will find the gift of being a women as beautiful and lovely as I have now only begun to enjoy, and to do so with her head lifted. Pronouncing to the world, this is how God made me, this is who I will be. A mother. Or a Mormon Mommy Blogger depending on your lingo.
And all the crazy, late night hormone inducing ramblings that accompany it. Because it is now 3:20 and it's obvious from the length and apparent lack of actual content, I need to go to bed.

1 comment:

Hanna said...

That was really long, but who is this hanna girl? She sounds amazing. p.s. just wait until late nights are added with really early mornings, like 2 am. You are in for a real treat. And, I'll be there to help. Well, not literally there in the middle of the night, but in spirit and text.